November 2011
1 post
Dear Unhappy Food Service Employee...
Dear Unhappy Food Service Employee (Syracuse University)
I know its the first day back but please don’t take it out on my sandwich. How am I supposed to eat this mess you angrily slapped together?
February 2010
1 post
Dear Fast Little Asian Kid...
Dear fast little asian kid, (Whitman College)
I was inside having a very nice time talking to the extremely drunk girl (your friend) who had just turned 21. So when I was talking to your friend and all of the sudden felt something slide out of my sweatshirt’s pocket, I was startled. I looked up and saw you — barely five feet away, and not five seconds post noticing the pick from my...
January 2010
6 posts
Dear Stoner Face Painter....
Dear Stoner Face Painter, (Cal State Long Beach)
Even though all your “artwork” is free, still no one wants it. it’s safe to say that your only talent is smoking. are you even a student?.
Dear Creepy Kid Behind Me...
Dear Creepy Kid Behind me, (Syracuse)
I dont know if you thought you where being slick but yes, I did in fact notice you in my periph creeping over my shoulder watching me text. Cut it out, your acting like a future serial rapist and fit the part with that whispy mustache and bowl cut.
Dear Annoying Giggly Girls...
Dear Annoying Giggly Girls, (Syracuse)
Thanks for whispering jokes to each other and giggling every 30 seconds during our hour and a half lecture. Never in my life have I wanted to or thought possible to use a text book as a thrown weapon but you girls deffanilty got close to becoming my first test subjects.
Dear Fat RA...
Dear Fat RA, (Syracuse)
I have never been more happy in my entire life then when I watched you slip on some water in the dinning hall and felt the earth shake. I wish I could relive that moment and hear that incredible noise you made when you hit the ground. Thats what you get for being bitch.
Dear Retarded Stewardess...
Dear Retarded Stewardess, (Syracuse)
You really suck at your Job, A) I forgave you for ramming me with your push cart once, but twice? really? Im sure my blind friend could push that cart better than you. B) You spilled water on me, A lot of water, and you just looked at me and said “oh darn” and handed me a singular napkin. Thanks for making my first day back to college wonderful.
Dear Orange Fat Girls...
Dear fat orange girls,
I see you with your fake tans and juicy couture terrycloth tracksuits, what the fuck is your problem?
November 2009
15 posts
Dear Kind Drug Dealer...
Dear Kind Drug Dealer, (Cornell)
Thanks for smoking me out on the way to the airport, but I wish you hadnt givin me the good stuff because being so stoned you start to giggle and have a hard time touching the touch screen buttons, and then not knowing what airline to get on, combine to make a really stressful really upsetting ordeal.
Dear Midnight Masturbator...
Dear Midnight Masturbator, (Syracuse)
As I was leaving the dorm last night, I saw you sleeping one of the couches, talking, and with your hands in your pants. Being the scientist I am I decided to stop and observe you. That was until you started to take off your pants and “jerk it” in the dorm lobby. I didnt know this was possible. You should make sure you fall asleep in your own room...
Dear Loud Love Makers...
Dear Loud Love Makers, (Syracuse)
Can you guys keep it down, you woke everyone on our floor and attracted an audience of at least 15 people who stood around your door laughing.
Dear Cocky Guido...
Dear Cocky Guido, (Syracuse)
When you asked that kid if he wanted to fight, I bet you weren’t expecting him say ok. Did you just stand there as he socked you one because you where shocked he called your bluff, or has the hair bleach effected your ability to think.
Dear Tanquery Girl...
Dear Tanquery Girl, (Syracuse)
Next time you start Calling me a piece of shit, and an asshole, make sure your not mistaking me for someone else.
Dear Popped Collar Jerk...
Dear Popped Collar Jerk, (Long Beach City College)
When I was skating at school and fell backwards of my skate board, I looked to you to save me from the huge group of cackling black girls. Did you? No, you decided the appropriate action was to say “smooth move” and laugh at me. Thanks you ugly, popped collar, mongoloid.
Dear Idiot Keg Stand Girl...
Dear Idiot Keg Stand Girl, (Cal Berkley)
Next time you do a keg stand don’t pick the two most inebriated guys at the party to hold you up. I don’t think your missing tooth appreciated it to much.
Dear Tuna Roomate...
Dear Tuna Roomate, (UC Santa Cruz)
Hey Camel Choad, Eat Tuna in our stuffy dorm room one more time and see what happens.
Dear Inconsiderate Roommate...
Dear Inconsiderate Roommate, (UC Irvine)
Have you ever heard of headphones? Turning your Classical-Techno Hybrid music on at 6 in the morning is really, really starting to get old, if this keep happening I promise I will make a scene bigger than when the atom bomb was dropped on hiroshima.
Dear Drunk Man Baby...
Dear Drunk Man Baby, (Washington State University)
Just because you are wearing a diaper as part of your Halloween costume doesn’t mean it’s ok with everyone at the party to get drunk and poo your self.
Dear Pill Popping Roomate...
Dear Pill Popping Roomate, (Syracuse University)
Your Halloween costume of a fly was really tight, but pre gamming on pills and then crying for two hours over a dead fly on your desk was sad, even more sad was that you missed Halloween.
Dear Perverted Pinocchio...
Dear Perverted Pinocchio, (UC Davis)
I know it was halloween and I actually really liked your costume, but telling some guys girl friend your going to put your nose in her “crotch” and then tell her a lie is probably a bad idea. The tremendous beating you received was well deserved.
Dear Its-The-Thought-That-Counts Friends...
Dear Its-The-Thought-That-Counts Friends, (San Diego State University)
I think it was really cool of you guys to get a taxi for your incredibly, obnoxiously, drunk friend. Except next time don’t have the taxi pull up and all 4 of you say “oh shit I dont have any money” becuase your friend started crying about the fact she had to walk home 5 miles in heels.
Dear Alcohol Poison Girl...
Dear Alchohol Poison Girl, (Cal Berkley)
I saw you in a normal state about 15 minutes ago, walked out side 15 minutes later and it looked like you where dying, in fact I wouldn’t be surprised if you probably should have gone to the hospital. Slumped over the porch, hair like you where in a tornado, falling all over the place, and throwing up on your self merits a trip in an ambulance
Dear Awkward Roommate...
Dear Awkward Roommate (Syracuse University)
Its chill if you have girls over, but when I go to sleep for my mid-term the next day and wake up to your side of the room completely re-arranged, and you trying to move your bed mysteriously out of my site, dont be awkward the next morning, I know whats up, thanks for trying to be subtle though.
October 2009
52 posts
Dear Flatulent Hockey Girl...
Dear Flatulent Hockey Girl In the Training Room, (Syracuse University)
I guess you didn’t know I was in there doing my core exercises but I heard you rip a big one. It was really messed up though when I was putting my exercise ball away and your trainer came in, sniffed around, looked at you, and then you both turned your heads to me and gave me a dirty look.
Dear Chubby-Pre Pubesent College Boy...
Dear Chubby-Pre Pubescent College Boy, (Fullerton Junior College)
Just because I walk into the cafeteria being a girl, wearing a skirt does not mean that I want to sit next to you in the seat you just patted on. Not only do you look like your fourteen and belong in middle school, but that long “surfer-hair” look you are going for just makes you look like a fat dylan sprouse from suite...
Dear Trashed Girl...
DEAR TRASHED GIRL (UNIVERSITY OF MASSACHUSETTS AMHERST),
I ENJOY THAT YOU START THE DANCE PARTY AND LOVE MAKING NEW FRIENDS. BUT PLEASE STOP DRINKING JUNGLE JUICE AFTER YOUVE HAD A FEW SHOTS AND WINE. NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOU PUKING IN THE BATHROOM ABOVE OUR HEADS. OR ABOUT HOW YOU LOVE YOUR ROOMMATE SO MUCH.
Dear Chick Down the Hall...
Dear Chick Down The Hall, (George Mason University)
Please do not have sex against the door to your room. While we are grateful that you have managed to keep your voice down, we still know what pace your man is going at. Thanks.
Dear Technologically Challenged Roommate,
Dear Technologically Challanged Roommate, (University of Central Florida),
Please stop yelling at your computer, phone, television, ipod, etc. While they cannot hear you, I can. Loud and clear. While I sleep.
Dear Secret Stoner...
Dear Secret Stoner, (William Jessup University)
Make sure you flush the toilet after you pour bong water in it. It stinks up the whole bathroom. We all know it was you.
Dear Unknown Shaver...
Dear Unkown Shaver, (Monmouth University)
Please stop shaving you pubes over the sink, I know you like to stay hygenic, but i’m tired of getting your pubes in my toothbrush.
Dear Sticky Fingers...
Dear Sticky Fingers, (Monmouth University)
The bathroom is not for masturbating, we all have to use it. Thanks.
Dear Ugly Mean Girl...
Dear Ugly Mean Girl, (Syracuse)
Was it necessary to slap me when I said you’re ugly? It’s not my fault you are. Plus You asked if I thought you where, I was drunk and answered honestly. pull that shit one more time and I swear I will mail you naked to the Taliban.
Dear Bathroom Stalker...
Dear Bathroom Stalker, (Cal State Long Beach)
What did you expect? Just because we can hear each other wiping our asses doesn’t mean we are homies. I already have to many things to worry about. “hows it going?” you ask. well, “pretty shitty, man.” Your lucky i didn’t shoot a poo rag over the stall.
Dear Drunk Fighting Couple...
Dear Drunk Fighting Couple, (Syracuse)
Thank you for the most epic drunk couple fight I have ever seen! Except I heard what you guys where fighting over and well I have to be honest, Getting in a screaming, pushing, slapping match over where to eat is kind of a really fuckin stupid thing to freak out about.
Dear Pompous Rich Kid...
Dear Pompous Rich Kid, (New York University)
I like how cocky you are and how you are acting like all this money is going to magically make your face less ugly or your nasty acne clear up. Waving your money in front of girls is a pretty neat trick for a fuck face, but it still doesn’t seem to be working for you, judging by the amount of girls telling you to “fuck off”.
P.S before...
Dear Hammered Asian Girl...
Dear Hammered Asian Girl, (Syracuse)
You probably shouldn’t have been outside at 4:30 in the morning. You where at that stage of tripping over yourself and believed an appropriate response to the question “Do you live here” is “I love my roomate”. Dont ever do this again, your messy hair, weird noises and swaying made you look like the girl from The Grudge, you...
Dear Girl Throwing Up In The Bathroom...
Dear Girl Throwing Up In The Bathroom, (Boston University)
You sound like you are giving birth, its gross and making me dry heave, maybe next time you should stay away from the jungle juice. Actually here is a crazy thought, calm down you fucking raging alcoholic this is the 5th night in a row you have been smashed, your liver probably hates you.
Dear Puffy Vested Guido...
Dear Whiny Popped Collar, Puffy Vested Guido,
I heard you complaining to a girl about how your on a dry spell and want to get your “dick wet”. Thats cool and all but I don’t think taking a bath in cologne is going to help much. Im sorry that your oddly proportioned body, fake tan and frosted tips isn’t getting you any ass, but truth is you looked and sounded like a peice...
Dear Dry Heaving Drunk Hoe...
Dear Dry Heaving Drunk Hoe, (UC Santa Barbara)
Im not sure if you thought me standing in the street talking on my cell phone, was me trying to talk to you, but it wasn’t. As much as I appriciated the complement about my “fuckin awesome shirt” when you went to touch it and dry heaved at the same time, I had no other choice but to shove you into that parked car for you to throw up...
Dear Vegan Speed Freak...
Dear Vegan Speed Freak, (Princeton University)
I know the Ivy League is tough, so you’ve turned to speed in order to handle your shit. But it’ll be a lot tougher when your teeth fall out and you keep trying to eat that carrot.
Dear Obnoxious Choir Singers...
Dear Obnoxious Choir Singers, (Syracuse University)
If you guys don’t stop having choir practice 20 feet away from me as I’m trying to study I am going to pee in all of your beds.
Dear Sleepless Roommate...
Dear Sleepless Roommate, (UC Santa Cruz)
There is no fucking way I’m going to have the windows closed at night with the heat on because the noise from the trees outside disturbs your REM cycle. that’s retarded. buy some fuckin earplugs.
Dear Uninvited Girl At Lunch...
Dear Annoying Girl At Lunch, (Syracuse University)
I chose to eat alone for a reason. If I had wanted the company of a methed out version of my child hood baby sitter I would have asked for it. How ever I guess you perceived my glare as an invitation to eat with me. Thanks to you I didn’t eat the chicken I was very excited to eat because I couldn’t take the sight of your fucked up...
Dear Drunk Girl in My Midterm...
Dear Drunk Girl in My Midterm, (Cal State University of Long Beach)
Way to come prepared for your midterm. The second you sat down next to me, myself and practically our whole row looked at you, looked at eachother, and then started laughing. You smelt like old beer and ass and looked like you had sex with a Bum in the gutter.
Dear Oblivious White Chocolate...
Dear Oblivious White Chocolate, (William Jessup University)
Please do not ‘mad dawg’ me because I swooped on you in the Cafeteria line. You were completely oblivious to your surroundings. Maybe you should take you earphones out, stop bumping rap and pay the fuck attention. Wearing XXXL gym shorts does not hide your greasy ginger hair. Stop acting black and get in line.
Dear Unhappy Guy at the Toga Party...
Dear Unhappy Guy at the Toga Party,
I saw how unhappy your face was when you where dancing with the fat girl and her friend, I was grossed out just watching it happen and seeing the moves she was trying to put on you. I totally understand your pain and I am very sorry you got put in that situation.
Dear Drunk Lost Girl...
Dear Drunk Lost Girl, (Syracuse University)
I hope you made it home last night cause you where extremely far from where you needed to be.
Dear D.U.F.F in the Toga...
Dear D.U.F.F (Designated Ugly Fat Friend) in the Toga, (UC Berkley)
Your sheet doesn’t fit. It’s gross. What size sheet did you use? Twin? Queen? well if I where you i’d invest in a sheet for a King size bed before I went to a toga party.
Dear Drunk Way To Early Girl...
Dear Drunk Way To Early Girl, (Syracuse University)
It was 8pm when I saw you falling up the stairs (crazy right? ha), you where carrying one shoe. This is the second time I have seen a drunk person with only one shoe on. Im thoroughly confused.
Dear Fat Stoner Girl...
Dear Fat Stoner Girl, (Syracuse University)
I would appreciate it if you didn’t smoke weed on the roof next to my window. Your being loud and my room smells like ass now.
P.s how did you manage to squeeze through your window? I am almost impressed.