My Wonderful College Life

I know its the first day back but please don’t take it out on my sandwich. How am I supposed to eat this mess you angrily slapped together?

I was inside having a very nice time talking to the extremely drunk girl (your friend) who had just turned 21. So when I was talking to your friend and all of the sudden felt something slide out of my sweatshirt’s pocket, I was startled. I looked up and saw you — barely five feet away, and not five seconds post noticing the pick from my pocket — looking at me guiltily and crunching my 16oz. Champagne of Beers, already post-shotgun. The thing is I’m not even mad. How the fuck did you do that?

Even though all your “artwork” is free, still no one wants it. it’s safe to say that your only talent is smoking. are you even a student?.

I dont know if you thought you where being slick but yes, I did in fact notice you in my periph creeping over my shoulder watching me text. Cut it out, your acting like a future serial rapist and fit the part with that whispy mustache and bowl cut.

Thanks for whispering jokes to each other and giggling every 30 seconds during our hour and a half lecture. Never in my life have I wanted to or thought possible to use a text book as a thrown weapon but you girls deffanilty got close to becoming my first test subjects.

I have never been more happy in my entire life then when I watched you slip on some water in the dinning hall and felt the earth shake. I wish I could relive that moment and hear that incredible noise you made when you hit the ground. Thats what you get for being bitch.

You really suck at your Job, A) I forgave you for ramming me with your push cart once, but twice? really? Im sure my blind friend could push that cart better than you. B) You spilled water on me, A lot of water, and you just looked at me and said “oh darn” and handed me a singular napkin. Thanks for making my first day back to college wonderful.

I see you with your fake tans and juicy couture terrycloth tracksuits, what the fuck is your problem?

Thanks for smoking me out on the way to the airport, but I wish you hadnt givin me the good stuff because being so stoned you start to giggle and have a hard time touching the touch screen buttons, and then not knowing what airline to get on, combine to make a really stressful really upsetting ordeal.

As I was leaving the dorm last night, I saw you sleeping one of the couches, talking, and with your hands in your pants. Being the scientist I am I decided to stop and observe you. That was until you started to take off your pants and “jerk it” in the dorm lobby. I didnt know this was possible. You should make sure you fall asleep in your own room from now on, I am pretty sure you can get arrested for that.